Funny I Act Like I Don’t Care Shirt

My Mum had a real thing about me respecting her. I didn’t even grow up with her, we were both adults when we met, so as far as I was concerned respect had to be earned, as is the case with all adults. Basically, any disagreement was a Funny I Act Like I Don’t Care Shirt. My least favorite was when I’d question something I didn’t understand. Even when I was trying to be as calm and collected as possible. And I’d be told not to be such a smartass, or “Don’t get smart with me!”. I still get extremely pissed off thinking about it, like sorry I’m trying to better understand your line of reasoning… Then it’s really a nice shirt for all men and women. So you should buy this shirt. Thank you so much.

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I remember I was at Teen Group (consisting of me and a few other people with disabilities), and we were talking about the goals we had. My E-BHP decided to pipe up with, “How about a Funny I Act Like I Don’t Care Shirt?” In a tone that implied she wanted me to say it too. Apparently I had “the look” on my face (which isn’t even definitive; it’s just me telling my emotion with my eyes I guess? I don’t know), and the group leader pointed it out and everyone laughed. It was so embarrassing. I wanted to rush upstairs and cry for the rest of the time I was there. Even my N-mother partakes in “the look.” I don’t have a “look.” If I have an emotion I will show it on my face. If I am neutral, well, people I know well should know what my “neutral face” is.

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My Stepmother would always accuse me of having an attitude and she was very good at gaslighting. So if my EDad wasn’t around she could just tell him I was being rude and sarcastic to her when a Funny I Act Like I Don’t Care Shirt. Yes! I keep using the word monster in my therapy sessions and my psychologist wonders where that perception of self comes from and it is exactly that. Because trying to be assertive or set boundaries was apparently monstrous and deviant. I think this feeling of being monstrous is part of why I got really into fantasy and science fiction growing up (also the feeling of not fitting in or understanding social skills, like an alien or robot).

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